Erma Quotes

One of my favorite authors is Erma Bombeck~anything Erma.....

Here are a few quotes to live, laugh and love.....

Motherhood is an art.  And it is naive to send a mother into an arena for twenty years with a child and expect her to come out on top.  Everything is in the child's favor.  He's little.  He's cute and he can turn tears on and off like a faucet. 
There have always been schools for children.  They spend anywhere from twelve to sixteen years of their lives in them, around other children who share the experience of being a child and how to combat it.  They're in an academic atmosphere where they learn how to manipulate parents and get what they want from them.  They bind together to form a children's network, where they pool ideas on how to get a bigger allowance and how to stay home when their parents go on a vacation.  Their influence is felt throughout the world.  Without contributing a dime, they have more ice cream parlors, recreation centers, playgrounds, and amusement parks than any group could ever pull off.  They never pay full price for anything. 

Class Ideas for School for New Mothers:
Creative Nagging 101, 201, 301
Seminar for Savers
Investments and Returns From Your Children
Perfection:  How to get it and how to convince your children you've got it
Legal rights for mothers
History of suspicion and its effects on menopause
Threats and pomises
Guilt:  the gift that keeps giving

Have you ever used these?  
Which did you use the most? 

This is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you
When you grow up, you'll thank me for being so strict
we'll see
Don't talk with food in your mouth.  Answer me!
I'm doing this because I love you. 
Never Mind, I'll do it myself
I'm not going to speak to you again
Children should be seen and not heard
no sense crying over spilt milk
do you believe everything you hear?
I'll give you something to cry about
keep your hands where they're supposed to be

why don't you grow up
someday you'll be old
you're not getting any younger
you'll grow up fast enough.  when I was your age....
when are you going to act your age?
I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one
You'll always be mama's baby

I'm going to send all that food you left on your plate to all the starving Africans
Do you want mommy to leave the house and never come back?
If you sleep with dogs, you get fleas
You're going to drive me to an early grave
This is the last time I'm going to ask....
We're not asking you not to get married, we're just asking you to wait
That's what you get for not listening
I'm only one person

Just wait till you have children of your own!
Do you think I was born yesterday
If you don't listen....
That does it.  I'm sending you to military school
Where did I fail? 
Why me, God?
You made your bed, now lie in it
I  may not always understand you, but I am always willing to listen
What's a mother for but to suffer
Fool me once, shame on me---fool me twice, I'll get you. 
If your friend jumped off the bridge would you do it too? 
If you fall off that swing and break your leg, don't come running to me. 

(from Motherhood-The Second Oldest Profession)